My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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