Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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