I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You took a bar mat shot.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
