Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
