Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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