I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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