I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
