Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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