if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize