Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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