they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
