After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
