i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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