well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
