I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
