i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
