I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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