i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
