She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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