I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My feet surprised me
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