im about as happy as oj after his trial
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
