I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize