Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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