I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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