take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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