The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
