My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
