Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
