It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
do herpes really smell.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
