Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
