census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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