I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
