My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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