Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
