If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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