your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
please don't ironically join a cult
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
