So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
