btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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