my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
