I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
