I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
