My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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