Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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