Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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