i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
