Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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