worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
