hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hippo gnu deer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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