im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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