So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
