I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize