tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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