I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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