I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
