I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
