This is not my ceiling
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize