dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
