My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All the doctor said was why
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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